New Beginnings...With Mitch McConnell!

Ok folks. It's the moment you've all been waiting for...the time has finally come for me to renew by cobweb-laden blog! I haven't posted here in over a year and a half and I know the entire world is worse off for it. And so, out of the kindness of my heart, I have reentered the fray to ease your collective suffering. Here goes:

How exactly does one reboot a blog after such a long absence? I struggled with this question for some time and arrived at two very important conclusions:

1. I needed to rename it. Gone is "Dirty Limericks and Other Short Stories." I found it to be too limiting...I want to write more than just dirty limericks (although there's no need to panic; I'll still pen one here and there). I want to write about EVERYTHING because I'm a complicated and important person with lots of sophisticated and well-thought-out opinions that everyone should read. And so "The Self-Loathing (Limerick) Artist" is born!
2. My first entry must include funny pictures of Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY). Don't misunderstand me; I personally have nothing against Senator McConnell. I just find it endlessly amusing that the completely fair and balanced media almost invariably posts embarrassingly posed pictures of his vaguely turtle-like face. Enjoy.

 I particularly enjoy this one here on the left. The look on his face seems to say, "Oh my god they're taking pictures of me again. I just know they're going to pick the ugliest possible one. It's so unfair!"

So there you have it, folks. Senator McConnell at his most unbiased. Don't worry. The limericks are on their way. 

Yes. Rather.

Beyond the lettuce and stew

Bad moments were so very few

We're a wonderful cast

And I had such a blast

Couldn't ask for a better debut

Cantorazecol

How on earth should we cope

As we fight and we try against hope

To make this show work?

Well, we drink and we twerk

And I fail to say no to the dope

Credible, If Not Always Gripping

There once was a rough little show

With a cast who did not seem to know

Even with all the sin

And the crying and gin

They would still almost make zero dough

The Obit (Tentative Outline)

Joel White was found dead in his Washington, DC apartment early this morning. According to medical examiners, he suffered a massive heart attack around 4 AM. Large amounts of nicotine and caffeine were found in his system as well as a blood alcohol content of nearly 0.2%. An empty pack of cigarettes and a toy lightsaber were found at his side. He was situated near an iHome which was playing "Call on Me" on repeat which, according to his close friends, indicated that Mr. White "died doing what he loved most." What little possessions he owned were given to charity, as his will only stipulated that his body be donated to science. Specifically, Mr. White insisted that tar should be harvested from his lungs in order to "solve the energy crisis," although doctors admit that most of his organs are completely useless. He was 25.

But Then I Got Advanced

Ok. So I've been officially done with my first year of college for a week now. There is absolutely no way I could summarize what happened in one blog entry. But take it from me--good stuff happened. After my first semester, I made a list of all of my favorite memories. In the interest of being original and interesting, I won't do that again. I think I'll make a list of everything I'm glad I did and everything I regret.

The Good Stuff:

-Joining Choir. Although I won't be able to continue singing with this fine group of people, they helped me transition to college more than anyone else. I can't thank them enough.

-Auditioning for Twelfth Night. Honestly, I had no idea what I was getting myself into. As it turns out, getting to know the people involved with this show started me down the path to being a theatre major.

-First semester movie nights. They were actually quite enjoyable before they got out of control.

-Second semester Boston Legal nights. This glorious tradition simply must continue in years to come.

-Auditioning for Bones. Truth be told, I almost didn't. I had been in "School for Wives or Bust" mode and my Bones audition was a total impulse decision. BEST IMPULSE EVER. Beyond the shadow of a doubt, this show was the greatest experience of my first year. It is solely responsible for making my second semester better than my first.

-Auditioning for Santa's Helper. I did this twice and it turns out the second time was the real charm. I am very VERY excited about doing Capital Fringe this summer.

The Regrets (they are few):

-Not doing Sinfonicron. I still can't believe I didn't audition. When I saw the show, it was so obvious that I would have had loads of fun. It's one of my top priorities this year.

-Not going to Choir Beach Week. If I could have, I would have. I mean, come on guys, it's Choir Beach Week.

Also, I would be remiss if I didn't mention all of the incomparable people I met this year. I did not meet a single William and Mary student who I didn't like. You are all wonderful people and I want very much for the friendships I've forged this year to continue for decades to come. And for those of you who are extra important to me, you know who you are. I probably groped you at some point.

Thoughts Upon Viewing Iron Man 2

The bottom line with show business is that it is, after all, a business. Whether it's Broadway, Paramount, WWE, or Major League Baseball, the need to turn a profit precludes the need to produce an honest product. And when the executives in charge find a product that the huddled masses really like, they feel the need not only to make more of it, but to top the original.

And thus we encounter the problem of the Summer Blockbuster Sequel. Once every year or two, the motion picture studios produce a genuinely good summer movie. Think Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl, Iron Man, or Star Wars. People eat it up. I practically had an orgasm at the end of Iron Man. Movies like that are one of the things in life that keep me from going insane (and trust me, I'm actually closer to losing it than I already seem). But then, time after time, I have to sit and endure the pain of the Hollywood machine shitting all over the sequels to these perfectly good films.

Before anyone gets mad at me, let me just say that I liked Iron Man 2. I did. No, it wasn't as good as the first one, but I didn't expect it to be. I commend the makers of that movie for not totally succumbing to the typical Summer Blockbuster Sequel format. But there are a few symptoms of Hollywood poopdickery.

A good sequel takes the characters we got to know in the first movie, explores their relationships, puts them through struggles together, and slowly begins to peel through the layers of their personalities. There is a reason why The Empire Strikes Back is my all-time favorite movie. It does all of these things flawlessly. That moment when Leia says "I love you" and Han says "I know" actually DID give me an orgasm.

Summer Blockbuster Sequels DO NOT DO THIS. They take the characters from the first movie, oversimplify and exaggerate them, add three or four other underdeveloped primary characters, mix together three or four loosely related plotlines, and finish things off with gratuitous amounts of violence, sex, and CGI. The Pirates of the Caribbean franchise is my favorite example of this. By the time we get to the last movie, we're confused before the opening credits even finish rolling. All I remember is that the plot (read plots) has something to do with Jack Sparrow, Captain Barbossa, Will Turner, Elizabeth Swann, Cutler Beckett, James Norrington, Davy Jones, Tia Dalma (read Calypso), Mr. Gibbs, those two annoying pirate guys, a kraken, and that Chinese slum lord. I think I forgot a few important people. Forgive me.

Iron Man 2 only does this a little bit. It introduces a few too many new characters. Personally, I would have been fine with just Scarlett Johansson. And by "just" I mean she would be naked. There's an awful lot of violence as well and we're asked to follow no less than 5 plots. Thankfully, they all at least make sense. Mostly. (My only real question is how Colonel Rhodes powered his suit without an arc reactor in his chest. Or why the Stark Industries Board of Directors didn't flip a shit when suddenly Tony's secretary became CEO. Or what Ivan Vanko would have done at that race if Tony hadn't made the last minute decision to drive a car. But this parenthetical is getting too long.)

My point, in short, is this: fuck bad sequels that are designed just to make money. I challenge Hollywood to make more stuff like The Empire Strikes Back and The Dark Knight. That way, all the asshole movie snobs like me can have more orgasms.